My Silence Is Hurting My Children
We have found that there are really two major reasons that parents stay quiet and avoid conversations about sex, and those are fear and shame.
Parents are fearful for a number of reasons when it comes to beginning these conversations. Often times it’s because they don’t know where to begin, or they don’t know what to say, or they may even have a misunderstanding about God’s design for sex, love, and relationships in general. When you feel ill-equipped and don’t know where to start, you often just opt out of any conversation at all because of this fear. Many parents, when asked, would agree that sex, love, and relationships were all God’s plan but because the church is often silent in this area, many of us have unknowingly bought into the lies of what culture says relationships should look like. We must realize the great need to speak this truth to our children in ongoing conversations. We need to equip ourselves with the truth about God’s design for sex so we don’t forget that He’s the author of this great romance and love story.
So many parents have been silenced because of their past and embarrassment about decisions they made. They are also silenced by things that may have been done to them years ago that brought great shame, and then caused them to step out in ways they kept hidden for so long. Anytime we hide things deep in our hearts, Satan is winning, because he wants to keep that in the dark. But we want to elevate that and we want parents to begin looking at these things in their lives. We have to dig deep, and then bring all of this to God and talk to Him about those things in order to move forward.
If Fear is Keeping You From Starting This Conversation
First, go deeper in your relationship with Jesus, and he will reveal these truths to you and show you which way to go. In relationship with Him, you’ll no longer be alone in this, you will be able to simply follow His lead. Partner with Jesus and invite Him into this area of your life that you have kept separated. Before you feel equipped enough to talk to our kids, you have to begin with this desire to ask Him to show you His vision.This is a life-long journey.
Next, find a mentor. This would be someone you can trust and have honest conversations with, who is willing to step into the hard places with you. Look for someone in your community with more life-experience than you, and that has walked this road before you! Don’t look for the perfect person to guide you, look for the person who is showing the fruits of the Holy Spirit in their life.
Last, it takes investing your time and your heart. You must come into this journey with a willing and open spirit, knowing that this is important to you and that you want your family to look different.
How To Move From Shame to Freedom
Becoming aware that you are experiencing shame and then digging in and figuring out where it’s coming from is so important. Until you start digging in, you’ll continue to carry your shame with you, because Satan is counting on shame to silence you. Shame, guilt, and embarrassment, are some of his favorite tools, because he knows it will keep you quiet. We recommend taking some time alone to start looking at the years of your life and recounting those things that have brought you shame. It is a lengthy process and we know it’s tough, but once you do this, you’ll truly be able to give them to God. Let us encourage you, this is what’s worth the fight and the hard work - the freedom from shame!
If we try to circumvent this step, and try to teach our children truth, without being free from our past, they are going to read it as inauthentic. This does not mean you have to tell your children every detail and sin from your past. They don’t want to know what you did, they want to know you’re real, you had the same struggles they have, and sometimes you fell short. And because of your experience, you are willing to jump in this battle with them and fight alongside them.
If you’re carrying shame because of something that was done to you that was not your choice, that oftentimes requires a little bit more work and sometimes from an outside professional counselor. There is no shame in that and we would recommend that to someone who has experienced any kind of abuse. There is a level of freedom and healing that you can experience, that can change everything for you. When we bring things into the light, Satan loses the power he has had to use it to hurt us and keep us silent.
God’s number one call on our hearts as parents is to train up your child in the way he should go- that’s what motivates us to dig deep and get to these hard spaces. Not only will this help you engage in these conversations with your children, but it brings abundant life to you! Our hope for each person reading this is freedom, hope, and peace in every relationship you have and every area of your life.
*This content was taken from a conversation on our Worth the Fight podcast. If you’d like to listen or share with a friend — you can find it in Apple Podcasts, Spotify or Google Play.