How Our Marriage Survived When We Felt Helpless

Paul and I met my sophomore year in college. He was helping his friend (and my new roommate) move her mattress through the doorway of our suite, and I was trying to hold the door open for both of them (and said mattress) to squeeze through. We began dating within several months of that meeting and subsequently spent the summer racking up long distance minutes when I returned to Florida and he stayed in Tennessee.

After dating for several years and finishing college, we married and began our life together. I look back on our wedding day and can't help but smile. We were babies! We said our vows "for better" with so much hope and expectation (don't we all?) and "for worse" with only preconceived notions. Paul and I grew up in Christian homes, had attended Christian schools, and were surrounded by Christian friends. We knew what a Biblical marriage looked like, we had a (firm) foundation. For sure, we had enough head knowledge to go the distance, but did we truly have the fortitude to hang tough in a marriage when the junk hit the fan? Full disclosure here: in some shape, form or fashion the junk always hits the fan.

We were only a few short years into our marriage when loss and grief and childhood trauma began to rear its ugly head in the form of anxiety and paralyzing fear and depression. Shame, failure, regret, repeat. Trying to cover the loss with substance. A total mess. I am so grateful that we both grew up in homes where divorce was not an option when times were hard, but I am also ever aware that no marriage is safe from the devastating effects of living in a fallen world...including my own. Ephesians 6:12 lets us know that regardless the season we are in, every day is a battle. The devil is a liar and a thief whose sole mission is to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10). And he was definitely out to destroy us.

As we leaned into our faith in Christ during those difficult years, we found ways that helped us survive. Someone once told me that marriage is a lot like riding a wave, you just brace yourself on the board, and eventually the wave will come to shore. Riding a wave on a calm day is a heck of a lot easier than riding one in the midst of a hurricane, but the end result is the same...the wave eventually does come to shore. Here's some of what helped us during those years of white knuckling the surf board, and still helping us today:

1. We found an excellent Christian counselor and met with him separately and together on a weekly basis.

I live under the life assumption that every person living and breathing can benefit from a counselor's point of view: unbiased and healthy, logical and helpful. Our counselor gave us tools that we are still applying all these years later. We learned that love was a choice, not a feeling, and we would need to continually choose love to make our marriage work. We learned that we couldn't be complacent, but would each need to play an active role to better ourselves and our marriage. Also, it wasn't our last time to go to marriage counseling, which might have been the most important thing we learned: do the hard work -- continually.

2. We did life deeply with others -- namely our mentors, accountability partners, and church small group.

These people knew our story. They allowed us to be vulnerable and real, and they in turn were vulnerable and real with us. They held us accountable and prayed for us. They cried with us. We shared meals together every week, and these were safe places for us to grow and heal and watch others really love the way Jesus loves. They never made us feel alone. When crisis hits in whatever way it will, having a core group to circle up and lead you to the foot of the cross can make all the difference. For the rest of my life, when I picture these individuals in my mind, I will picture the hands and feet of Jesus when we so desperately needed Him. Seek these individuals out, invest in these relationships because the days of trial will come, and when they do, you will be so grateful that these are the people on your doorstep.

3. We chose not to compare, but to have perspective.

Here's the truth: behind every smiling face, there is a broken chapter in the book. Perfection is a persona and we continually reminded ourselves of this, looked at the big picture, and tried not to allow our momentary struggles to stand in the way of what God was doing in us and what we knew His promises to be. I once heard Beth Moore say that one of the best parts about staying married is being glad later that you did. Every anniversary that we celebrate together, I believe this to be true. Commitment and endurance matter.

4. We learned it's not about us.

Marriage is to illustrate the relationship between Christ and the church (Eph. 5:31-32) - a far cry from how our culture paints marriage, but it is what God intended. I love what Lisa Chan writes in You and Me Forever, "If your children can see you living out the gospel in the most intimate relationship you have, they will have an authentic picture of what it means to live according to the Word rather than the world." What a challenge! My marriage to my husband is the first and primary relationship my boys are watching, and it matters how we treat each other, how we forgive each other, and how we love each other.

The story of us is the story of grace. Choosing grace. Grace that can never be underestimated or over used. Choosing love and forgiveness and the ways of Jesus over our own. In the book, The Meaning of Marriage, Tim Keller writes, "Truth without love ruins the oneness, and love without truth gives the illusion of unity but actually stops the journey and the growth. The solution is grace. The experience of Jesus's grace makes it possible to practice the two most important skills in marriage."

For as it is written, "a cord of three strands is not easily broken." (Ecc. 4:9-12).

Amen.